I don’t wanna lose you,
I don’t wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I don’t wanna hate you
I don’t wanna take you
But I don’t wanna be the one to cry
That don’t really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there’s a danger in loving somebody too much
And it’s sad when you know it’s your heart you can’t trust
There’s a reason why people don’t stay where they are
Baby, sometimes love just ain’t enough.

Now I could never change you
I don’t wanna blame you
Baby, you don’t have to take the fall
Yes, I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something’s gonna change.

But there’s a danger in loving somebody too much
And it’s sad when you know it’s your heart you can’t trust
There’s a reason why people don’t stay where they are
Baby, sometimes love just ain’t enough.

And there’s no way home
When it’s late at night and you’re all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay.

And there’s a danger in loving somebody too much
And it’s sad when you know it’s your heart they can’t touch
There’s a reason why people don’t stay who they are
Cause baby, sometimes love just ain’t enough
Baby, sometimes love just ain’t enough.

-Patty Smyth & Don Henley-

Beautiful song. One of my favourites of all time. =) Would anyone care to ber-duet with me? Hahahahhaha.

Night, world. :)

**rubs eyes* I slept for 3 hours after getting back from uni at 11am and i'm STILL sleepy.

This just proves that if i'm going to sleep at 4am in the morning, i'd better have back-up. Like coffee. Or teh tarik. Last night was sheer will power. And the fact that i couldn't really sleep anyway due to unmentionable stuff. Ha. Ha.

But all this is nothing compared to the satisfaction of "dumping" my precious management assignment into the assignment box, after kissing it good luck. I pray that you'll do well, my baby, it took God's strength and my tears to conjure you up. And i meant that quite literally. Cause if it was just by my power, i would've gone to sleep at 12am last night. >.< And since i couldn't really see the monitor screen for a brief moment of time that i let myself let go, just so that i can concentrate again, i must say, i did a pretty darn good job.

It's a funny world, especially how when you're so sure of something, it turns out not to be so. Or how your instincts is always right. Or how things is done without you agreeing to it. Actions have consequences, m'dear. Didn't anyone tell you that? I had my reasons for not doing what you THOUGHT i should do. And i can tell you a lot more about selfishness if you think that's what i am.

I did not LIE to anyone. i just withheld information that was MINE to keep. And i feel this strongly enough to say it here. I'm not mad at you. I just don't understand why you had to do it. Things were complicated enough as it is.

But it's okay. I'm FINE. You're forgiven. After this, it will be forgotten. Everything.

I'm taking Morrie's advice. I'm letting this penetrate me fully. I'm going to feel the way i'm feeling right now completely, and recognise that this is me, feeling very very very sad indeed.

And then, i'm going to detach myself from it.

And i'm going to start by sleeping it off. Again. And then, i'm going to immerse myself in my econs assignment.

They call it baby steps.

I call it the step of faith in believing that i will get over this. :)

"When the person you love doesn't love you the way you want them to, that doesn't mean they don't love you at all."

I'd like to believe that.

Boy, this is one heck of a year. *yawn*

I can't say i'm happy but i can't say that i'm sad either. I told you because i needed you to know. Do i regret it? Maybe. Some things are better left unsaid.

If i didn't, would you have let things be the way it was? Probably. We've always left it to fate, haven't we?

I'm not going to pretend that i'm okay. And please, stop apologising. I will get over it, eventually. It's hardly the end of the world. But like any girl, which i still AM one, i rant.

It's funny how emotional pain can turn physical. I actually feel broken. You took something i care about deeply away from me once. And you're taking it away again.

All i'm probably wondering about now is, do i want that part back? Perhaps not.

I thank you, though. It's been too long. I've left it just a bit too long. I guess it was comforting letting feelings linger on the way they do.

Feeling a bit lost, tired and stupid is nothing compared to feeling nothing.

But i feel something. It hurts, yes. And no, you can't do anything to make it better. Let's get one thing straight, shall we? I'm not something you can fix.

I'm not a doll that you can play with, drop and then you ask, "What can i do to make it hurt less?"

Pretend that i've gone to the doll-maker's to get fixed. You can see me go, and leave me there for a bit. Then, walk away.

You ask me to fight for what i want. You should understand why i don't want to. How can i fight for something that doesn't want me back? What's the point of revealing something that is just going to cause more confusion? I'm as see-through as it is.

I'm not saying this for me. I'm sure you'll get what i mean. Timing isn't everything. We're insatiable beings, it's human nature. But at least understand that, after getting what you want, you have to keep wanting after you have it.

I need time to think for myself. And now is so not the time to deal with it.

******************************************************

On a lighter note, i collected my mykad today. And after about half-an hour of taking thumb prints, i end up having them pendaftaran people tell me, "Takpe. Tulis cap jari dia tak cukup." It seems that i don't have much of an identification on my right thumb. My thumb-prints don't match with each other. Hmm. Maybe i'm not the same Eleanor anymore. *eyes open wide* Woooooo. Maybe the real one has left the world already. O.o

And guess what else they said, I'll be having problems leaving the country.

One word : Crap.

Had a wonderful Easter. =)

The play was just awesome. Everything was so awesome. Felt so renewed and inspired after hearing testimonies of God's work in other people's lives. The song "Why" by Nichole Nordeman touched me like i've never heard it before. And i just cried. It felt good to just release it all unto Him. I know what it's like to trust Him completely now. And i praise Him for that. =)

No chocolate bunnies for me this year though. Last year, Hong Leong sent me an easter egg all the way from Adelaide. That was really sweet of him. If you're reading this, thanks once again. Lols. Little things like that even though it was a whole YEAR ago still makes me smile. =)

My long-awaited Easter break is of course, finally here. Can't say i'm enjoying it all that much considering how i've been researching journals for my management assignment today. Grrrr. I swear i'm being ripped off man. Lols. How can you call a holiday a holiday if you're supposed to be completing 2 assignments just so that you can breathe again before uni starts? Monash. *throws eyes up to heaven* But i had a wonderful nap today. A dreamless and long nap, with the rain pouring outside. Now,THAT is bliss for me. =)

Does anybody know where i can get a one-day job? Lols. Maybe like promoting something for a one-day event sorta thing? Need some extra dough la. Haih. My allowance doesn't seem to last as long as it used to. Come to think of it, it never lasted anyway. But yeah, i thought i'd be more independent and actually EARN my own money instead of going to dear ol' daddy-o. Wanna save up for Campus Camp too! Any suggestions, do let me know ya. =) Thanks. Would like to go work at Starbucks but apparently training takes 2 weeks. And i've only got one week to spare. *giggles* Damn bodoh right? I tell you, sometimes i just don't use my brains. Lols.

Anyways, been suffering from EDD (Email Deficiency Disorder) again. Heehee. I rarely get real mails now. Except from dear ol' Johan. Hahahahahhaa. Come back soon so that i can whack you, Fleshy!! Now that i'm on so-called break again, i just realised that i can't think of anyone that would write back to me if i wrote to them. Sad, isn't it? Hmmmm. Should just go get myself a new book. Maybe a little escapism into a chicklit world would do me good.

I'm rambling.

Gahh. Shall just get back to management lah. Sighs. Pathetic. >.<

Heard this song and it kinda hit a chord.

~ Curious ~

Someone tell me what to do
I feel like i must be a fool
For ending up right back at the start
The things that we don't comprehend
Are laughing at my mind again
I think that i think too hard
And i don't give enough credit to my heart

I'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That we hold onto

I've put my theories to the test
You know i've tried to do my best
But maybe we weren't meant to strike gold
Sometimes things that you ignore
Are all the things i'm looking for
Will i learn to let go
Give into love and listen to my soul

I'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That we hold onto

Portraits of your loved ones
Are more than what you see
All the elements they capture
Are more to you than me
A different dimension we've yet to define
There's a forest to cut through with thorns and vines
There is no reason to try

Cause, i'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions...

I'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That we hold onto...
Like you.

-Holly Brook-

Yeah, i'm feeling emo. And just maybe, i can't blame it on PMS this time.