I can't say i'm happy but i can't say that i'm sad either. I told you because i needed you to know. Do i regret it? Maybe. Some things are better left unsaid.

If i didn't, would you have let things be the way it was? Probably. We've always left it to fate, haven't we?

I'm not going to pretend that i'm okay. And please, stop apologising. I will get over it, eventually. It's hardly the end of the world. But like any girl, which i still AM one, i rant.

It's funny how emotional pain can turn physical. I actually feel broken. You took something i care about deeply away from me once. And you're taking it away again.

All i'm probably wondering about now is, do i want that part back? Perhaps not.

I thank you, though. It's been too long. I've left it just a bit too long. I guess it was comforting letting feelings linger on the way they do.

Feeling a bit lost, tired and stupid is nothing compared to feeling nothing.

But i feel something. It hurts, yes. And no, you can't do anything to make it better. Let's get one thing straight, shall we? I'm not something you can fix.

I'm not a doll that you can play with, drop and then you ask, "What can i do to make it hurt less?"

Pretend that i've gone to the doll-maker's to get fixed. You can see me go, and leave me there for a bit. Then, walk away.

You ask me to fight for what i want. You should understand why i don't want to. How can i fight for something that doesn't want me back? What's the point of revealing something that is just going to cause more confusion? I'm as see-through as it is.

I'm not saying this for me. I'm sure you'll get what i mean. Timing isn't everything. We're insatiable beings, it's human nature. But at least understand that, after getting what you want, you have to keep wanting after you have it.

I need time to think for myself. And now is so not the time to deal with it.

******************************************************

On a lighter note, i collected my mykad today. And after about half-an hour of taking thumb prints, i end up having them pendaftaran people tell me, "Takpe. Tulis cap jari dia tak cukup." It seems that i don't have much of an identification on my right thumb. My thumb-prints don't match with each other. Hmm. Maybe i'm not the same Eleanor anymore. *eyes open wide* Woooooo. Maybe the real one has left the world already. O.o

And guess what else they said, I'll be having problems leaving the country.

One word : Crap.

Had a wonderful Easter. =)

The play was just awesome. Everything was so awesome. Felt so renewed and inspired after hearing testimonies of God's work in other people's lives. The song "Why" by Nichole Nordeman touched me like i've never heard it before. And i just cried. It felt good to just release it all unto Him. I know what it's like to trust Him completely now. And i praise Him for that. =)

No chocolate bunnies for me this year though. Last year, Hong Leong sent me an easter egg all the way from Adelaide. That was really sweet of him. If you're reading this, thanks once again. Lols. Little things like that even though it was a whole YEAR ago still makes me smile. =)

My long-awaited Easter break is of course, finally here. Can't say i'm enjoying it all that much considering how i've been researching journals for my management assignment today. Grrrr. I swear i'm being ripped off man. Lols. How can you call a holiday a holiday if you're supposed to be completing 2 assignments just so that you can breathe again before uni starts? Monash. *throws eyes up to heaven* But i had a wonderful nap today. A dreamless and long nap, with the rain pouring outside. Now,THAT is bliss for me. =)

Does anybody know where i can get a one-day job? Lols. Maybe like promoting something for a one-day event sorta thing? Need some extra dough la. Haih. My allowance doesn't seem to last as long as it used to. Come to think of it, it never lasted anyway. But yeah, i thought i'd be more independent and actually EARN my own money instead of going to dear ol' daddy-o. Wanna save up for Campus Camp too! Any suggestions, do let me know ya. =) Thanks. Would like to go work at Starbucks but apparently training takes 2 weeks. And i've only got one week to spare. *giggles* Damn bodoh right? I tell you, sometimes i just don't use my brains. Lols.

Anyways, been suffering from EDD (Email Deficiency Disorder) again. Heehee. I rarely get real mails now. Except from dear ol' Johan. Hahahahahhaa. Come back soon so that i can whack you, Fleshy!! Now that i'm on so-called break again, i just realised that i can't think of anyone that would write back to me if i wrote to them. Sad, isn't it? Hmmmm. Should just go get myself a new book. Maybe a little escapism into a chicklit world would do me good.

I'm rambling.

Gahh. Shall just get back to management lah. Sighs. Pathetic. >.<

Heard this song and it kinda hit a chord.

~ Curious ~

Someone tell me what to do
I feel like i must be a fool
For ending up right back at the start
The things that we don't comprehend
Are laughing at my mind again
I think that i think too hard
And i don't give enough credit to my heart

I'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That we hold onto

I've put my theories to the test
You know i've tried to do my best
But maybe we weren't meant to strike gold
Sometimes things that you ignore
Are all the things i'm looking for
Will i learn to let go
Give into love and listen to my soul

I'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That we hold onto

Portraits of your loved ones
Are more than what you see
All the elements they capture
Are more to you than me
A different dimension we've yet to define
There's a forest to cut through with thorns and vines
There is no reason to try

Cause, i'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions...

I'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That we hold onto...
Like you.

-Holly Brook-

Yeah, i'm feeling emo. And just maybe, i can't blame it on PMS this time.

Dammit. I so hate you.

Can't you see that you're messing up my life?? I friggin' skipped TWO tutorials and ONE lecture because of you. It's because of YOU i have no mood to do anything AT ALL.

It's also all YOUR fault that i looked like crap today. It's because of you people said i was PALE.

Why can't you just leave me alone?? Why have you decided to come every friggin month?? Can't you tell that your presence is unwanted???

Why can't you be regular in the sense that you come one month and NOT come in the month after??? Why why why??

You should feel very ASHAMED of yourself!!!!

Bloody effing period. Go die.

Mmmmm. It feels good to just be sitting around aimlessly, doing nothing, thinking about nothing. A day of absolute nothing-ness. Well, okay, maybe not all day. >.< i give myself 5 hours of absolute nothing-ness. Got stoopid biz&econs stats test tomorrow. (growls)

I'm finally assignment-free which is something to rejoice. Hahaha. But that is only for 2 weeks before the entire cycle starts again. Sigh. But rejoice i shall!! Good Friday and Easter is coming up...happiness. I'll be celebrating my anniversary of being a Christian. =) I would like to say i HAVE grown a lot spiritually since i started but of course, it's never enough. I have yet to serve more in church and that shall be my aim this year. Power group meeting last night really gave me insight of what and where i see myself being in Christ.

The 40 days of prayer and fast is coming to an end. =) It's my first time fasting and it's been tough. But nevertheless, great at the same time. It's amazing how i didn't get sick fasting as i so usually do when i skip meals. :) Must be Him. I have yet to see my prayers being answered but i believe, it will. All in due time. :)

Right now, i can only thank Him for all that He has blessed me with. And there's such a lot that needs to be thanked for. =)

Tralalallaa. Promo coming up!! =)

An Easter play by Lightbulb Productions...

Something Playing In My Ear & Other True Stories

....14th April at 8.00pm (Good Friday) & 16th April at 9.00am...

         ...THE ACTS CHURCH...2nd floor, Summit Hotel, USJ...

It will be fantastically awesome if you guys would come along and join in the celebration. =) Last year's Christmas production was BRILLIANT and this is going to be just as good, im sure. =) Just ask me more if you guys wanna come. It will be a great experience for Christians and non-Christians alike. =)

                                 ***promo ends***

Hahhahaha. That was fun. =) Please excuse me. Nothing-ness does this to you.

Right. Another thing...if you guys are free...do pop by to this site and uh, do this. Hehe. =)

Click here and here !! Thanks so much. =) It wouldn't take much of your time, i believe.

Last but not least, PREFECTS' REUNION 2006 is coming up too!! =) Spread the word. For more information, click here!here!here!

Hahahaha. =) My blog is going to be an advertisement site. Gahhh....

Take care peepz! =)