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Monday, January 24, 2005
:: speechless :: No words could possibly describe how i feel at the moment. It isn't sadness. It's sure as hell isn't joy. Perhaps it's utter disappointment. I never knew i could possibly DO this badly. Not after i was SURE i tried hard enough. Studying late nights...borrowing past year papers from Ian Zing and Ruben...actually DOING maths and not just staring at formulaes. I guess it's never enough is it? At this point, im pretty sure that what i told Jean was right. As i grow older, i'm becoming more and more stupid. More and more brain cells are dying. I wish that i can just keel over and die myself. But even that wouldn't help. I'm just so very,very sorry. I didn't even cry when i got the slip. I just stared at it motionlessly. I didn't say a word. I sent a few sms-es, telling friends who did brilliantly well how badly i did. I didn't get a SINGLE "A". After i felt that i COULD move, i started copying maths notes that was on the board. That was all i felt i could do. My voice just wouldn't come out. I couldn't even speak to Aileen when she rang me. In a way, i didn't even want to. How am i going to tell my dad? He's going to be more disappointed than i am. And i think, that's whats bothering me the most. It bugs me that i didn't do as well as i expected to. It bugs me that i can't do as well as my dad believes i can. It bugs me that im bloody crying NOW. In front of the goddamn college computer. I brought this to myself. And i shall suffer the consequences. I hope my dad yells at me. Its better than him just looking at me sadly and not saying a word. I can't bear that. Even the thought of it just......hell, i dont know. I'm glad i had a wonderful weekend. It was the most fun i've had in a very long time. No worries and the company of GREAT friends. I thank you guys for that. So, I shall now willingly stay at home till A2 exams are over. I think i might even have to resit some of my AS as well. It sucks yes. Its a waste of a whole damn year, yes. It's my fault, yes. I'm just sorry for myself...for my teachers even, for my dad for getting such a dumbass of a daughter... I'm just so very sorry.... Posted by born2smile at 11:32 am
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